A few years ago I audited a college course on leadership taught by Angus King (I-ME), former governor and now independent Senator from Maine. He emphasized that an important characteristic of effective leaders is that they show up for work. They are there, present, on the scene. Attempting to lead in absentia is seldom successful. Knowledge gathered firsthand can be critical when it’s decision-making time. And the connectedness fostered by the leader’s physical presence can bolster morale in a crisis.
Being a parent is more complex than simply being a leader, but showing up is just as important to being a good parent as it is to being an effective leader. Most parents already believe that “being there” is important, and feel guilty when they have obligations that prevent them from maintaining a perfect attendance record.
In general, parents accept the reality that they can’t be home 24/7/365, but most of them wonder if certain times of the day are more critical to their young child’s emotional health and development. Their instincts tell them that meal times and bedtimes are probably events that should be given the highest priority if they have some flexibility in their schedules.
Common sense also may suggest to parents that their presence is less important as their children get older. Certainly, the behavior of most teenagers would suggest that adolescents couldn’t care less whether their parents were at home or vacationing in the Bahamas. However, this is one of those situations where appearances may be deceiving. The author of an opinion piece in the New York Times presents some compelling evidence that in fact, adolescents place a higher value on their parents’ presence than the common stereotype of teenage behavior would suggest ( ”What Do Teenagers Want? Potted Plants Parents ,” By Lisa Damour, Dec. 14, 2016).
Citing her own experience as a psychologist in private practice in Ohio and several recent studies from the psychology literature, the author observes that “sheer proximity confers a benefit [to the adolescent’s psychological health] over and above feeling of closeness or connectedness between parent and child.” At present there is no explanation for this benefit of just being there for your teenage child. But it may be that a parental presence, even if it is silent, provides a stable base and comfort zone that the adolescent can return to as he or she tests the ability to function independently in the world outside of the family.
I suspect that most of you have observed this counter-intuitive phenomenon in which teenagers who give every outward appearance of wanting nothing to do with their parents actually would like to have at least one parent be at home. They just don’t want to be hovered over. Ninety-nine percent of the time the parent will receive no positive feedback for just being there like a “potted plant” to use Ms. Damour’s analogy.
The problem is how to get this message to parents early enough in their parenting trajectory that they can adjust work schedules and priorities to be home with their adolescents. It was not unusual for new parents to ask for my thoughts as they were considering various day care and work schedule options for their infants. If I thought they were really going to take my advice seriously I would add, “You know you should also be thinking ahead when she is a teen. She won’t ask, but she probably would like it if you were home in the afternoon when she gets home from school.”
Dr. Wilkoff practiced primary care pediatrics in Brunswick, Maine, for nearly 40 years. He has authored several books on behavioral pediatrics including “How to Say No to Your Toddler.” Email him at pdnews@frontlinemedcom.com.
